Are they bovvered?

An amazing radio call-in tonight, when a Kent man who had to fend off an attempted stabbing by a teenage thug made a fateful error - he called Kent Police thinking they might actually care! Silly man. The boys from the Invicta county soon put him to rights, telling him it wasn't an emergency and, frankly, they couldn't spare anyone to come out. I mean, what does this man think Kent Police are? A public service?

Isn't working

Remember how police forces bleated that they could not afford the full pay rise awarded to coppers? Well, it seems there is a way to loosen their purse-strings - provided it makes them look good. £40 million - the cost of the award, or enough to fund 1,400 extra officers (1,000 to man scameras and 400 to complete the paperwork) - has been spent by the local constabularies on public relations, in an effort to make themselves look good.

Isn't working.

Straight up!

Northumbria Police are investigating a Sunderland nightclub which dared to use the S-word in an ad banner. Yes, they proclaimed that the formerly gay club was now Straight. Clearly a much more important issue than rape, murder and car theft, though perhaps not quite up there with driving whilst eating an apple. Of course rather than do anything that might (further) damage (what remains of) their reputation, the police farce are instead using a minority group in the city to do their dorty work for them. I mean, fancy actually proclaiming that you are straight! Ugh!

Taking advantage of the mentally ill

That's what Devon and Cornwall Police have said about Mohammed Rasheed (aka Mick Reilly), the nail bomber who let off his device in Plymouth yesterday, having travelled 44 miles on a bus whilst under what passes for 'police surveillance' in the West Country. Of course Muslims are kind and peace-loving, so Mr. Rasheed was, accoridng to DCP, taken advantage of by extremists. This police farce should look more to its own officers when it comes to the mentally ill, allowing a terrorists to transit Devonshire with a bomb.

CLoPpers strike back!

The City of London Police clearly think they are totally above the law, rather than just failing to apply it. Just hours after the court ruling forcing them to pay compensation to Portsmouth FC manager Harry Redknapp for false arrest, they took him in for questioning again! Still, it'll be only public money for the next bout of compo, so they probably just don't care.

WiMPing out

They waited until I was out of the country to do it, but still, at least they did it. West Midlands Police and the Criminal Protection Service have finally had that long overdue apology for their bullying of Channel Four and its Undercover Mosque investigative programe dragged out of them. The amount of damages is undisclosed, though the costs are at least in excess of £100,000, of which WMP and its senior officers will of course pay not a penny. They have (almost certainly under duress) published the most perfunctory of 'apologies' on their excuse for a website, though it makes no mention of the costs incurred by their craven dhimmitude. And, predictably, no news of WiMP's now long overdue investigation of the allegations in the programme, which we know by default to be true.

Not the word you were expecting

A teenage boy has been handed a summons by City of London Police for using the C-word. No, but close. The boy used the word 'cult' on a poster when campaigning outside the so-called Church of Scientology, and was promptly fined by a CLP officer. Then again, CLP really do need the money, as they have an unfortunate habit of keeping on raiding the wrong houses. CLP officials and officers will, of course, pay nothing. The full £50,000 cost of the Redknapp case will be met by A Taxpayer.

Biker hell

Some times you get a story that's just so incredible, you know even the police spokestwat is going to have to gulp before delivering their publicly-funded bile to cover their masters' misdoings. Thus the case of Matthew Edy, whose bike was stolen by some teenage thugs. Imagine his joy when Norfolk Police told him that, somehow, they had found his bike crashed with two of the pieces of human excrement lying nearby. You just know what's coming next. Norfolk Police said they could not prosecute because 'there was insufficient evidence' - oh, and Mr. Edy would have to pay £100 to get his bike back from the police compound. I think 'extortion' is one of the politest words I can use.

41% and falling fast

Barely four out of ten of us think the police can be bothered to deal with minor crimes.

I'm surprised the figure is that high.

Leading GMP a merry dance

It took a Manchester judge just four minutes to see sense. Unfortunately it took a GMP WPC four years to be forced into being found wrong, and her police farce are of course refusing to reveal her identity. The plod in question decided that a driver was playing his Roverdance tape too loudly in his own car, and so issued a fine. I bet the cost of this complete farrago doesn't come out of her wages.

D'ya miss me?

Hey, I'm back. Sorry the post I meant to put up about being in the States and Canada for a few weeks somehow got lost in transmission - but I see the boys in blue haven't been in any way abating their stupidity whilst I was away, so....

Just go away!

West Yorkshire Police are making an all-out effort to win a Dixon this year. Their latest piece of craven dhimmitude came when former Muslim turned Christian Nissar Hussain complained about death threats, and was told by a WYP officer to 'stop being a crusader and move to another area'. A few days later, the unoccupied house next door was set on fire. Can't be because WYP officers are too busy updating their publicly-funded website, where this story has mysteriously failed to appear.

Amnesia-on-Thames

Poor Surrey Police. I do hope they can find a cure for their sudden attack of amnesia. They 'forget' to update their computer records, and an innocent man gets murdered. And when it comes to their publicly-funded website, their memory fails again, and they 'overlook' their culpability in favour of much more important stories. I mean, parking on Holloway Hill versus the police implicit in a murder? Obvious which one of those the public would rather read about, isn't it?

Axe Andy

Andy Burton is head of Nottinghamshire Police's Policy, Performance and Strategy within Demand Management department. He has said that the way his farce - or do I mean force? - no, right first time - 'fell short of expectation' in dealing with a burglary at Mathew Sims' house in Arnold. The way they 'fell short of expectation' was that, when Mr. Sims phoned them around midnight to say he was having to flee upstairs as axe-wielding burglars ransacked his home, they 'were too bust to send anyone out, but someone would be there within half an hour'. The police duly rolled up - three hours later! For the record, the distance between Mr. Sims' house and the local police station is approximately one mile, which was obviously too much for NP. Mr. Burton has kindly promised to share the results of his internal whitewa... er, inquiry with the somewhat annoyed family. Indeed, NP are working so hard (all that whitewash takes a lot of effort, you know) that they have somehow 'forgotten' to list this one story in which they feature on a national level on their own publicly-funded website. I'm so surprised!

Well done NP. Gun capital, Burglary capital, and now Don't-Give-A-Stuff Police Farce Capital of Britain. But I'm sure that even as you read this, other forces are working on depriving them of this great honour.

Priorities (14)

Greater Manchester Police are investigating one of their own officers who, it is alleged, worse a BNP badge. Not at work, no. Nor has he done anything wrong, like ignoring cases of assault to the point that the complainants get murdered. Presumably GMP managed to find time aside from their busy schedules, including arresting children for playground spats and telling people which posters they can put on walls. I loathe the BNP, but I'd rather trust a member of their party, for whom I don't have to pay for and who I can vote out of office, than an unelectable overpaid dhimmi working for a service that, long long ago, was supposed to protect us.

Warning: Brunstrom kills

Some figures from the North-West Frontier, aka North Wales or Brunstromia:
Speeding motorists caught by Brunstrom's Boobies: 55,000
Number of police vehicles that failed to answer emergency calls as a result: 19
Fall in road deaths: none - they went up by 8%
Fall in road injuries: none - they shot up by 38%

If the Mad Mullah wants drugs to be legalized, that's his opinion. But does he really need to take them every day? Clearly his judgement passed IMPAIRED some time back and is now well on its way to LUNACY.

Turning a blind eye

This happened right outside Morden Police Station.

You have one guess as to how many officers came out to deal with the situation (hint: a round number less than one)

Every little helps

Perhaps 'should've gone to Specsavers' would be a better logo for both staff at the Tesco store in Chelmsford and the dimwits of Essex Police, after the latter decided to drag charity worker Simon Brasch from his bed at 3 am and hold him in a cell for over 11 hours. Staff at the store wrongly identified him as a man who walked out with a 37 inch plasma TV - but it took the plods from the dumb blondes county ONE DAY to work out they'd been wrong. And why 3 am? The dumb plods have said they were quite right to arrest Mr. Brasch at "the earliest opportunity" (hah!) and have since "sympathised with what must have been a truly upsetting experience" for him. Of course they still haven't found the real culprit. I mean, people walking around with 37 inch plasma TVs are so hard to find!

Field of dreaming

Would-be rebel Frank Field has backed down from his amendment which threatened to sink the government over the abolition of the 10p tax rate, after more 'concessions' from the Great Clunking Fist. FF praised Gordon for 'listening', so clearly in 24 hours he has gone from a man of principle to a man of hallucinations.

Open mouth, implant foot

Four squad cars and seven officers from Avon & Somerset Police roared up at Bradley Stoke Bowling Club yesterday - to evict a bunch of pensioners who had snuck in for a game after being forced out by a greedy local council. A police spokestwat denied they had over-reacted, saying 'they were reacting to reports of a burglary'. To those increasing thousands of people whose experience of the standard police response to their own burglary - brief shrug of shoulders, and saying they'll send a crime prevention leaflet some time in the next few months - this story must be about as believable as the average politician's expenses claim.

Grand slam

Birmingham City FC co-owner David Sullivan has slammed the sneaky tactics of City of London Police, who searched his house whilst questionning him. It will be interesting to see if they can get enough to prove anything like a case, and when they can't, just how loudly they refuse to apologize.

And the story changes again

Having said last week it could not provide escorts to funeral corteges for the returning bodies of our brave soldiers because of its "focus on community safety rather than ceremonial roles", Thames Valley Police have backed down - and changed their story. On Monday their Chief Constable blamed the lack of an escort on the withdrawal of some of the force's motorcycles from the road after the deaths of two officers elsewhere in Britain. I only hope the few criminals they manage to catch are equally unconvincing in their own clearly fabricated tales.

Banning our saint

West Yorkshire Police have banned a St. George's Day Parade through Bradford on health and safety reasons, after organizers refused to change the route to avoid certain riot-prone areas. Three questions:
1) Will WYP also ban Muslim events 'on health and safety grounds'?
2) If there are 'riot-prone areas', then why aren't the police doing their job?
3) Do WYP honestly expect anyone to believe a word they say?

Turpin spiked

When PC Richard Holding shot through a scamera 70 zone at 89, he knew exactly what to do. Was it:
a) come clean to his bosses at Devon & Cornwall, and face the same consequences as other evil terrori.... I mean speeding motorists.
b) put on his flahsing blue lights, later look up a nearby incident, then claim he was on his way there.

Unfortinately for Highway Dick, there is still someone at DCP with a shred of conscience, and his crime leaked out. He's now been found guilty.

Incredible! (2)

The Metropolitan Police Authority has denied that it has deliberately delayed a report into the shooting dead of Jean Charles de Menezes until after the local elections because it may harm Sir Ian Blair, and thus his friend Ken Livingstone.

I really wish I believed them. But I don't.

Sorry luv, wrong house!

The above phrase apparently counts as an apology, according to the laughing-stock that is Greater Manchester Police. It was said by drugs squad officers after they smashed their way into dinnerlady Kathleen Oldham's house at 6.30 in the morning, only to belatedly realize they'd got the wrong address. Flowers, a repair man to redo her smashed window and a public apology followed some time later. Curiously no mention of this on GMP's publicly-funded website. I wonder why....

An opt-out

Adrian Lee, deputy chief constable of Staffordshire Police, thinks officers should be able to opt out of certain assignments on ethical grounds. I thought the police practised this already, which chief constables and police officers at all levels opting out of paying their speeeding fines. Certainly in Mr. Lee's own force, where last year 899 police speeding incidents resulted in just 14 prosecutions - barely 1%!

The not-problem

The Association of Chief Police Officers has told the government that illegal immigrants are NOT responsible for any increase in crime, and could they please have extra money to deal with the problem. The report was leaked to the Guardian 'newspaper', which of course only mentioned the 'good' bits.

Eh?

Spot the dead body

British Transport Police are in trouble. It has emerged that the body of TV presenter Mark Speight lay undiscovered in a building they were using for SIX DAYS, whilst they were (so they say) 'actively looking for him'. Not very efficiently, it seems.

Mind that child, it may be armed!

A Daily Mirror investigation has discovered that some UK police forces are handing out gun licences to children. Three - Devon and Cornwall, Lancashire and Northants - have handed them to children as young as eight. Sussex Police handed out the most gun licences to kids. It issued 403 permits to children - including 27 to those aged 9-11.

I'm not even going to bother looking at the news sections on these forces' official websites, paid for by us the taxpayer. Somehow I know what I'll find there - nothing!

No defence

Thames Valley Police have tried to defend their complete and abject failure to provide a police escort for the bodies of fallen soldiers, which as a result got snarled up in traffic jams around Oxford. Still, I'm sure TVP officers have much more important things to do. Or not, as the case may be.

Amazing Angela

Did you know that, in Carlisle at least, they have managed to genetically engineer a PCSO? No, not one that doesn't hide behind trees when faced with danger. Or one that actually rescues drowing kids from ponds. This one is the Amazing Angela Busby, who can just by looking tell immediately if a car is speeding past her, and makes it her Busy Bee duty to march round to their houses and lecyure them. Just one question. What is the technology that means she knows they are doing 31 in a 30 zone?

Ignorance of the law is no excuse

Unless, of course, you're a PCSO in the Met, whereon it is apparently obligatory.