Confessions

It's always hard extracting that full confession, isn't it? Like getting South Wales Police to admit that their abject failings to protect a four-year-old girl who was snatched and abused by paedophile Craig Sweeney, despite being given many warnings. SWP still refuse to formally admit negligence, but have dropped their opposition to a large settlement. A SWP spokestwat muttered that 'the force had fell short of their usual high standards', and that - yes, the inevitable phrase - 'lessons have been learnt'. I wish I believed them.

Completely Stupid Idiots

Isn't it comforting to know that in the age of CSI, we can rely on the police to get things right? No, please don't roll around on the floor and laugh hysterically like that! Greater Manchester Police (them again!) arrested Alysha Wilson when her fingerprints were found at a burglary scene. Except they weren't hers; some moronic twats at GMP had mis-labelled them. But not to worry, the farce have told us that the idiots involved could face disciplinary action.

Pardon me? Could?

Mental indeed

Surrey Police officer PC Groves was most offended when Ingrid Tarrant, ex-wife of TV presenter Chris, not only refused to accept a parking ticket for parking in a bus lane (= mass genocide, according to the Surrey Police handbook), but clearly had 'mental health issues' (according to Doctor Groves) and drove off. Just to prove who was the mental one, PC Groves followed her for two miles before forcing her to pull over in a country lane and wrestling her into the back of his van.

I wonder if any of his fellow officers are brave enough to point out to this pointless plod that he did indeed prove that one person in the case did have 'mental health issues', and it wasn't the female....

The price of moaning

Apparently it's £82,000. Which, according to Cambridgeshire Police, is excellent value for council taxpayers, as it pays for a guru to run courses to stop their officers moaning all the time. The money could, of course, have been spent on several extra officers, but as this would have been to the benefot of the public rather than the police, CP knew where their priorities lay. Themselves first, the people they serve...who? The move has of course been defended by useless prat/chief constable Julie Spence (you remember, the one who criticized a local MP for telling local people the truth about crime figures, and whose force once ignored a local shopkeeper who had caught a shoplifter, telling him to let the man go). Such a shining example!

Child abuse, D&C style

When a West Country doctor visited his local bank, his young son opted to stay in the car and play a computer game. Bad mistake! Both had reckoned without the obviously overstaffed Dumb & Crap (aka Devon & Cornwall) Police, who swooped in and put the doctor on a police register for 'child abuse'. Luckily, the doctor in question is shortly emigrating to Australia.

Take me with you!

Alien thoughts

Sussex Police helped a local school fake an alien landing and the abduction of a teacher, setting up a crime scene afterwards. Well, why not? Clearly aliens have already stolen what passes for the brains of their senior officers!

Yellow Alert!

Gosh, it's been weeks since the Metropolitan Police did anything daft - so they;ve decided to set things 'right', by banning the bright yellow 'witness appeal' signs placed at murder scenes. Because, they say, they 'upset' the public. Now, if police forces stopped everything that 'upset the public', this blog would be out of business!

Gypsyphile Moronic Police

When Altrincham jeweller Michael Plant had his shop repeatedly burgled by Eastern Europeans (you know, the ones the government are always saying are so good for this country), he refused to serve them, and out a notice up stating this policy. Did Greater Manchester Police:
a) hunt down the burglars, arrest them, and return the stolen jewellery?
b) bully Mr. Plant into taking down his notice, and do nothing about the thefts?

Hint: Greater Manchester Police

Rubbish in Humberside

'Thanks' to Humberside Police, a local couple now have a criminal record after the pathetic plods put them through a five-month ordeal. Their heinous crime was to tidy up a local eyesore and, when arrested by HP officers presumably between scameras, to refuse to takle a drugs test. The only ones who should have been tested are the pathetic HP twats, as they are clearly on something illegal if they can't see how dumb this makes them look.

Dumb and Crap - again

It's been ages since the Dumb & Crap force (they prefer Devon & Cornwall; I prefer a police force) did something really stupid. Clearly they thought so too, which must be why they sent eight camouflaged anti-riot polcie and a polcie helicopter to a rave the other day. Just one problem - the 'rave' was in fact a 30th birthday party organized on Facebook. Naturally DCP have made a complete apology, and... gosh, I hope those pigs keep that squadron formation!

Great news!

How wonderful that some pagan police officers (their religion, not their behaviour) are already getting eight extra days a year off for their 'festivals'. Fine. Provided, of course, they turn up for work on Christmas Day, Boxing Day, Whitsun, and throughout Easter. Do they?

'Around the clock' service

The ineptly named Police 'Service' of Northern Ireland says it had to be cautious when responding to the owner of a Fermanagh supermarket, who called them at 0430 one morning to say that thieves were removing a cash machine with a mechanical digger. This is why it took them TWELVE HOURS to reach the scene.

One can only hope the few criminals that this laughing-stock of a constabulary do somehow manage to catch come out with equally unbelieveable stories.

It clicks after 3,841

In 2007/8, Hampshire Police (my own 'service', regrettably) made 3,841 stop-and-searches. So how many arrests resulted from these? Er, 0. So they are 'suspending' the tactic. Two questions, which I'm sure they won't answer:
1) Didn't they twig that the policy wasn't exactly a roaring success at 500, 1000, 1500... etc.?
2) What is the racial profile of those arrested? Were members of the Religion of Self-Detonation over- or under-represented? And if the latter, why?

Not a drag

There's no situation so bad that this lame excuse of a government can't make worse. The Home Office has issued new guidelines to police telling them NOT to prosecute Muslims for hate crimes because - you'd better be sitting down before the next bit - 'it would make them become more militant'. A Whitehall jobsworth sniffs that 'the aim is to stop people being dragged into extremism.' Judging by the increasing numbers of Osamas in this country, they don't seem to need much in the way of dragging!

APAthetic

The Association of Police Authorities is another pointless quango which should be dumped forthwith. In the meantime, as they scoff champagne at oru expense, they seem to feel the urge to annoy us even more with daft ideas like forcing constabularies to employ a fixed quota of travellers. I've a better idea - scrap the APA, and use the money saved to implement a crackdown on said travellers, confiscating their property when they refuse to pay for all the damage they cause.

Trespassers will be... plastic plods

Can someone please explain to Sussex Police (better use short words) that they are actually paid to PREVENT homes being broken into? Not to send plastic plods round to crawl through windows and scare the living daylights out of Brighton and Hove residents? I can only hope some brave soul sues them for trespass.

A welcome cut

Surrey Police are whining that they will have to reduce the number of officers as a result of having their budget capped. Well, if their officers have nothing better to do with their time than arresting members of the public and holding them in cells for five hours for the heinous crime of playing football with their own kids in a public park - CUT SOME MORE!!!

Great news!

Yes, it's brilliant news from the South Downs, where Sussex Police have totally solved all crime! Well, surely, they must have done. How else to explain that they have the time to threaten with arrest a Horsham sweet shop owner (John O' Sullivan of the Candy Box, 21 Carfax) whose fun fake newspaper headlines about expenses fraud offended the humourless local councillors? I mean, if Sussex Police haven't solved all crime, WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE THEY WASTING TIME AND PUBLIC MONEY ON THE LIKES OF THIS FOR???

Chitty Chitty Stop!

Norfolk Police again! Is there something about the flatlands that makes coppers even dumber than usual? The scarecrow-stealing plods have decided that the local community isn't alienated enough, so have banned a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang replica car from a rally because it doesn't have an MOT. So? Norfolk Police officers don't have any sense, but they still continue to draw their salaries, for some inexplicable reason.

Theft is theft

Norfolk Police are refusing to reveal the name of the stuffy WPC who took exception to Brancaster Fete's scarecrow of a policeman with a scamera (presumably she feared being replaced by someone with more brains?), and duly stole it. The police farce, recentlyin the news for giving compasses to Muslim prisoners so they can face Mecca, later returned the stolen item, claiming they had given permission for it but not the scamera. No apology, no disciplining of the thieving officer, and no chance of anyone in Norfolk regarding them as anything other than a laughing-stock.

But isn't that your job?

Sean Price, head of Cleveland Police, was paid a £24,000 'honorarium' last year for 'cutting crime', not to mention a £50,000 'retention package'. Excuse me, but isn't cutting crime kind of, well, you know, his JOB? And how much did his predecessor have to pay back when crime rose? I think we all know the answer to that one!

A bloody thousand??!!

Now which of the following is worse?
1) The fact that up to 1000 convicted criminals who should be in jail, including murderers and rapists, are still on the run because the police have 'lost contact' with them.
2) The fact that almost every police force is refusing to reveal details about these criminals (two, Durham and Surrey, won't reveal anything!) because it would breach the Data Protection Act

Next time the council tax demand comes round, look at the police element, and ask yourself - why?

You do the maths - Shaun can't!

Commander Shaun Sawyer of Scotland Yard really needs to do Basic Maths. Dhimmi that he is, he's been sucking up to Muslim groups, telling them the police fear an attack by far-Right groups. So let's help poor innumerate Mr. Sawyer with some of those tricky things called FACTS:

Number of Londoners killed by Muslim terrorists: 52
Number of Londoners killed by 'far Right' terrorists: 0

Yes, Shaun, clearly there is a great dnager here. Shame you're too dumb - or is it too dhimmified? - to spot it.

Arresting

You know things are bad when even the 'Independent' Police Complaints Commission have to admit that THREE Greater Manchester Police officers involved in an assault on ONE soldier have been charged with both assault AND conspiracy to pervert the course of justice. And when they have to name them - Sergeant Stephen Russell, PC Richard Kelsall and Special Constable Peter Lightfoot (he's up for perjury as well!) - and they've even been suspended, the case must be more solid than a chief constable's skull.

The right to souse

Greater Manchester and the Metropolitan Police want the right to use water-cannon against protestors in future. There are, they say, advantages. Presumably such as the victims being unable to indentify the police officer assaulting them whether or not they 'forgot' to wear their official number badges that day.

102!

Another award for the self-aggrandizing Association of Chief Police Oficers - but not one they will enjoy receiving. The Plain English Campaign has lambasted them over a sentence in one of their missives, which contains an amazing 102 words! For those gluttons for punishment out there, here it is:

'The promise of reform which the Green Paper heralds holds much for the public and Service alike; local policing, customized to local need with authentic answerability, strengthened accountabilities at force level through reforms to police authorities and HMIC, performance management at the service of localities with targets and plans tailored to local needs, the end of centrally engineered one size fits all initiatives, an intelligent approach to cutting red tape through redesign of processes and cultures, a renewed emphasis on strategic development so as to better equip our service to meet the amorphous challenges of managing cross force harms, risks and opportunities.'

A dog's life

Nottinghamshire Police are refusing to reveal the identity of a dog-handler who left two dogs (which had been donated to the police) in a car on a hot day, where they perished. They have not even taken the handler off duty.

And some police still wonder why we don't trust them?

Go figure...

When a Gloucestershire woman had a one-night stand with a former lover, then woke up the following morning full of regret, she cried rape. THREE police cars AND a van then turned up to arrest him, and he was held for 22 hours.

The woman is the daughter of a local policeman.

Go figure...

Directionless

Norfolk Police have decided that, rather spending money on keeping open rural police stations (so passe, my dear!), they would rather splash the cash on compasses for Muslim detainees, so they know which way Mecca is. How about a compass for the moron who authorized this nonsense - so they can find the door marked Exit!

Dick sticks two fingers

The Metropolitan Police. Any news story that starts with those words is not going to be good. And sure enough, the mad morons at the Met have decided that Cressida Dick, the aptly-named person 'in charge' of the shooting of Jean-Charles de Menezes (the Met whitewash cleared her, unsurprisingly), has received her SECOND promotion since then, and is now on double the salary she was when she oversaw manslaughter by her officers at Stockwell tube station. No credit crunch for her, then.

We haven't enough resources, but....

I see Dorset Police's assault on speeding cyclists on Bournemouth seafront has taken an interesting turn. When one cyclist objected to being taken into custody for his heinous crime, DP, who are always whining about not having enough officers to reach rural areas, suddenly found they had NINE officers going spare. How convenient. I'm sure the villagers of Dorsetshire can look forward to these being assigned to them, where there is even the chance they may catch a REAL criminal.

He hurt my feelings!

The Metropolitan Polcie may be proving as useful as a chocolate teapot when it comes to shifting the illegal and ongoing Tamil demonstration in front of Westminster, but some officers are in action. One, PC Ray McQuarrie, whined to his superiors when a Conservative MP called him a 'scuffer', complaining about 'hurt feelings' (though apparently only after he'd looked it up!). Ye Gods! What do our MPs want - the polcie to do their jobs?