Monday, January 09, 2012


Because of a sharp increase in work commitments, I have decided to focus this blog soely on Hampshire Police. More than enough there to keep me busy!

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Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Suddenly they're into human rights!

Hampshire Police have managed a Damascene conversion, after refusing to close a local road for a Remembrance Day service because 'it would infringe drivers' human rights'. Wonderful! So there'll be no more hiding behind that wall in Longacres or under those dark trees on Swanwick Hill, scameras at the ready in both cases? Oh look, flying pigs!

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Friday, October 14, 2011

Brave, fearless.... oo, is that a LADDER?

Yes, it's my own bunch of local cretins, Hampshire Police (don't snigger yet). When called to investigate a crime at the home of one Nina Nash, they were horrifed to find she was making a totally unreasonable set of demands including - gulp! - that an officer climb a five-metre ladder! They soon put her right on that! Naturally we are now treated to the traditional post-cock-up rowback, and the half-hearted apology.

You may snigger now.

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Thursday, August 11, 2011

Yeah, that'll win us public support... oh...

When thugs sprayed lewd messages on the side of Chloe Stoyle's car, she naturally drove to a shop to buy some paint remover. Some morons gathered outside and started commenting on her vandalized car. Hampshire POlice rolled up - yup, you know this is not going to end well, don't you? Did they:
1) arrest the morons causing the fuss?
2) fine Ms. Stoyle?

Hint: Hampshire Police....

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Saturday, July 16, 2011

What not to do

Okay, You're a Hampshire Police officer (don't worry, it's only pretend so you don't have to have your brain removed). You pull over a clearly drunk driver, then find that you've stupidly run out of disposable straws for the breathalyzer. Do you:
a) tell the police station to send some more out to you?
b) drive the drunk to the police station, and test him there?
c) tell the drunk to follow you to the station in their own car?

Hint: Hampshire Police.....

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Monday, July 11, 2011

Don't mention the G-word

A group of gypsies decide to deliberately drown one of their ponies in a Hampshire lake, and what do we get from the local constabulary? We're informed that there were 'conflicting stories', and that the killing was done by 'men'. Best not mention the G-word, eh?

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Thursday, June 16, 2011

Ooo, we're so strapped for cash... (Part 373)

Hampshire Police. Still mounting speed traps in an area where the speed signs are contradictory, on a steep hill, in poor weather conditions, with their scamera van hidden under dark foliage. Obviously the cuts aren't deep enough. Yet....

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Wednesday, June 08, 2011

I suspect he doesn't get it

"John Apter, from Hampshire Police Federation, said many members of the public had a misconception that traffic officers only handed out speeding tickets."

Indeed. So what is the first thing you are going to train non-traffic officers to do, then, Mr. Apter?

"beat officers will be trained to use speed guns along with more community volunteers."


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Sunday, May 22, 2011

I like the 'who has not been named'

A police officer, who has not been named, was duly dispatched to the field to investigate, and was able to "confirm" that there was indeed a tiger lurking in the grass.

Indeed, a white tiger. So Hampshire Police scrambled a helicopter and a man with a tranquilizer gun - then belatedly thought they might actually recheck the officer's 'conformation'.

It was a toy. Stuffed. Like Hampshire Police. And the Hampshire taxpayers who paid for this marginal over-reaction.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

You've been HAD!

Hampshire Police have arrested a local man for, and I quote, 'causing harassment, alarm or distress'. You just know that, starting this story with the words 'Hampshire Police', common sense isn't going to visible even with the Hubble Telescope, don't you? Yup, his grievously insulting act was - here it comes! - performing the song Kung Fu Fighting.

Remind me why we pay for a police 'service' in this county?

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Monday, April 11, 2011


That's Common Assault plus Using Straitened Public Resources plus Wasting Police Time = C. C for Caution. I wonder if Hampshire Police are as lenient with tbose people they catch speeding with their carefully hidden speed traps in Longacres, Sarisbury Hill and Hunts Pond Lane? Somehow I think not.

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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Ooo, the cuts are so bad...

... Hampshire Police can barely afford officers to go and cross-examine a New Forest hotel owner who, jokingly, put a sign up outside his establishment saying 'Poofters Welcome Here'. Bearing in mind the police service's love for the gay movement, perhaps he was expecting a few more...?

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Sunday, November 07, 2010

Stop, ya bastards!

Hat-tip to the ever-reliable Grumpy Old Twat for this one. Our police farces might allow Muslims to shout down our judges, abuse our soldiers and walk down our streets carrying placards threatening to rape or kill us, but Hampshire Police at least are far too busy persecuting a local company which is selling a perfectly legal motor product called Start, Ya Bastard (Australian, of course!). Another farce which is just crying out for cuts.

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Thursday, September 30, 2010

On the plastic

Hampshire Police are annoyed. A study today shows that their plastic plods, whilst costing the county taxpayers some £7.8 million a year, managed to detect the sum total of less than one crime a week. Not each. Amongst the 300+ of them as a whole! Ah, say the Hopeless Prats, but they're not there to actually detect crime. They're there just to be seen.

You really couldn't make it up!

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Still not hiding?

So much for police claims that they don't try to entrap drivers into speeding. Driving up the A32 today, I went through Farringdon village, and was puzzled to find several drivers flashing me (I hadn't left the van doors open again, surely?). Then, just as I was leaving the village, I saw it - a Hampshire Police scamera van hidden under the trees, just where the village ends but the 30 mph limit doesn't. Nice try, but I was ready for you - as were the other drivers I flashed once clear of you.

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Friday, September 10, 2010

Some numbers

826,000 - the number of pounds spent arranging an earthquake training course.

4 - constabularies who attended - those major earthquake areas of Hampshire. Hertfordshire, Gloucestershire and Merseyside.

11 - number of people killed in the UK in earthquakes. In the last millennium, that is.

1931 - last time someone died in an earthquake in the UK. Of a heart-attack.

0 - valid reasons for this latest junket.

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Euw! Nasty, expensive democracy!

Labour chairman of the (Hampshire Police) authority, Cllr Jacqui Rayment, said staging the elections for a police commissioner, who would oversee policing in the two counties, could cost around £2m, the equivalent of almost 70 police officers, if the planned shake-up of police management in the two counties went ahead.

Well, love, we can't actually spend money to ensure people have a say over how their local police forces are run, can we? Much better to leave it all to the likes of you, eh? I mean, your party never wasted money on.... oh....

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Monday, August 09, 2010

Hopeless in Hampshire, part 894

As usual, Hampshire Police find themselves rowing backwards faster than Redgrave and Pinsentt, after their over-officious boobies fined Kay Baldson and Chris Bates for painting THEIR OWN GARDEN FENCE and accidentally spilling a few flecks over the side of their litigious neighbour. Naturally HP threatened them with court unless the fine has been paid but now, with the story making the national news, have 'geenrously' decided to refund the fine.

Too late. Damage done, and it'll take more than a few teaspoons of turpentine to undo.

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

When in hole...

... reach for press officer. TYes, in an all-too-rare instance of common sense, even the Criminal Protection Service took one look at Hampshire Police's attempt to arrest a woman for keeping a cricket ball that local yobs kept hitting into her garden, and ran screaming from it. But never underestimate the capability of my local farce to dig themselves in that bit deeper. They visited Mrs. Cole to break the news to her - and took a press officer, who bullied her into signing a statement clearing the Hopeless Prats of complicity. I only wish she had stuck it somewhere that would make said press officer talk even funnier!

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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Another cautionary tale

Whilst female MPs whine about rape victims remaining anonymous, yet another story of a 'victim' who wasn't, and whose false allegations wasted the time of some 23 police officers. And, predictably, Hampshire Police let her off with a caution. Gee. She won't do that again in a hurry, will she?

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