Ooo, we're so strapped for cash... (Part 373)

Hampshire Police. Still mounting speed traps in an area where the speed signs are contradictory, on a steep hill, in poor weather conditions, with their scamera van hidden under dark foliage. Obviously the cuts aren't deep enough. Yet....

I suspect he doesn't get it

"John Apter, from Hampshire Police Federation, said many members of the public had a misconception that traffic officers only handed out speeding tickets."

Indeed. So what is the first thing you are going to train non-traffic officers to do, then, Mr. Apter?

"beat officers will be trained to use speed guns along with more community volunteers."

facepalm/

I like the 'who has not been named'

A police officer, who has not been named, was duly dispatched to the field to investigate, and was able to "confirm" that there was indeed a tiger lurking in the grass.

Indeed, a white tiger. So Hampshire Police scrambled a helicopter and a man with a tranquilizer gun - then belatedly thought they might actually recheck the officer's 'conformation'.

It was a toy. Stuffed. Like Hampshire Police. And the Hampshire taxpayers who paid for this marginal over-reaction.

You've been HAD!

Hampshire Police have arrested a local man for, and I quote, 'causing harassment, alarm or distress'. You just know that, starting this story with the words 'Hampshire Police', common sense isn't going to visible even with the Hubble Telescope, don't you? Yup, his grievously insulting act was - here it comes! - performing the song Kung Fu Fighting.

Remind me why we pay for a police 'service' in this county?

CA + USPR + WPT = C

That's Common Assault plus Using Straitened Public Resources plus Wasting Police Time = C. C for Caution. I wonder if Hampshire Police are as lenient with tbose people they catch speeding with their carefully hidden speed traps in Longacres, Sarisbury Hill and Hunts Pond Lane? Somehow I think not.

Ooo, the cuts are so bad...

... Hampshire Police can barely afford officers to go and cross-examine a New Forest hotel owner who, jokingly, put a sign up outside his establishment saying 'Poofters Welcome Here'. Bearing in mind the police service's love for the gay movement, perhaps he was expecting a few more...?

Stop, ya bastards!

Hat-tip to the ever-reliable Grumpy Old Twat for this one. Our police farces might allow Muslims to shout down our judges, abuse our soldiers and walk down our streets carrying placards threatening to rape or kill us, but Hampshire Police at least are far too busy persecuting a local company which is selling a perfectly legal motor product called Start, Ya Bastard (Australian, of course!). Another farce which is just crying out for cuts.

On the plastic

Hampshire Police are annoyed. A study today shows that their plastic plods, whilst costing the county taxpayers some £7.8 million a year, managed to detect the sum total of less than one crime a week. Not each. Amongst the 300+ of them as a whole! Ah, say the Hopeless Prats, but they're not there to actually detect crime. They're there just to be seen.

You really couldn't make it up!

Still not hiding?

So much for police claims that they don't try to entrap drivers into speeding. Driving up the A32 today, I went through Farringdon village, and was puzzled to find several drivers flashing me (I hadn't left the van doors open again, surely?). Then, just as I was leaving the village, I saw it - a Hampshire Police scamera van hidden under the trees, just where the village ends but the 30 mph limit doesn't. Nice try, but I was ready for you - as were the other drivers I flashed once clear of you.

Some numbers

826,000 - the number of pounds spent arranging an earthquake training course.

4 - constabularies who attended - those major earthquake areas of Hampshire. Hertfordshire, Gloucestershire and Merseyside.

11 - number of people killed in the UK in earthquakes. In the last millennium, that is.

1931 - last time someone died in an earthquake in the UK. Of a heart-attack.

0 - valid reasons for this latest junket.

Euw! Nasty, expensive democracy!

Labour chairman of the (Hampshire Police) authority, Cllr Jacqui Rayment, said staging the elections for a police commissioner, who would oversee policing in the two counties, could cost around £2m, the equivalent of almost 70 police officers, if the planned shake-up of police management in the two counties went ahead.

Well, love, we can't actually spend money to ensure people have a say over how their local police forces are run, can we? Much better to leave it all to the likes of you, eh? I mean, your party never wasted money on.... oh....

Hopeless in Hampshire, part 894

As usual, Hampshire Police find themselves rowing backwards faster than Redgrave and Pinsentt, after their over-officious boobies fined Kay Baldson and Chris Bates for painting THEIR OWN GARDEN FENCE and accidentally spilling a few flecks over the side of their litigious neighbour. Naturally HP threatened them with court unless the fine has been paid but now, with the story making the national news, have 'geenrously' decided to refund the fine.

Too late. Damage done, and it'll take more than a few teaspoons of turpentine to undo.

When in hole...

... reach for press officer. TYes, in an all-too-rare instance of common sense, even the Criminal Protection Service took one look at Hampshire Police's attempt to arrest a woman for keeping a cricket ball that local yobs kept hitting into her garden, and ran screaming from it. But never underestimate the capability of my local farce to dig themselves in that bit deeper. They visited Mrs. Cole to break the news to her - and took a press officer, who bullied her into signing a statement clearing the Hopeless Prats of complicity. I only wish she had stuck it somewhere that would make said press officer talk even funnier!

Another cautionary tale

Whilst female MPs whine about rape victims remaining anonymous, yet another story of a 'victim' who wasn't, and whose false allegations wasted the time of some 23 police officers. And, predictably, Hampshire Police let her off with a caution. Gee. She won't do that again in a hurry, will she?

Candid camera

"A Hampshire Constabulary investigation found the PC's conduct fell below the required standard".

That's my own resident farce, one of whose officers claimed a man he arrested for not wearing a seat-belt was abusive. I bet Hampshire and other forces are coming to hate mobiles, for the accused promptly recorded the conversation on his, then played it back in court.

Case dimissed. Unfortunately, thuggish copper not dismissed. Probably just given the dreaded 'words of advice'.

Ninth and out

Metropolitan, North Yorkshire, Hampshire, Bedfordshire, Essex, Greater Manchester, Fife, South Wales and Thames Valley. What connects these farces? Well, because they all abused the stop-and-search powers and failed to fill out the proper paperwork, those stopped are in line for huge wodges of compensation. Still, I'm sure their respective chief constables will be offering to give up parts of their salaries and pensions to make good the shortfall caused by their stupidity?

Won't they?

Sunstroke

Last week, Wednesday was wet and miserable, whilst Thursday and Friday were sunny and warm with a refreshing breeze. By an amazing coincidence, on two of those three days Hampshire Police were out with their scameras on Swanwick Hill, the old A27, where confusing speed limit signs leave the driver uncertain whether the speed limit is 30 or 40. I wonder if you can guess which two days they chose to try to further alienate their few remaining supporters?

Hayling the boys feeling blue

When a gang of youths taunted a pensioner on his way home, Hampshire Police gallantly came to his rescue, arresting all the youths.

Oh no, wait. That's not what happened at all.

When a gang of youths taunted a pensioner on his way home, he waved his stick at them. They immediately reported this 'attack to their local bunch of gullibler morons, and said Hampshire Police closed off two roads and a shopping arcade, and sent ten patrol cars and a team of dogs to harrass him.

That's what happened.

Stupid!

That thudding sound is some top plod at Hampshire Police banging their head on the desk, after yet another 'we broke down the wrong door, held the wrong person in the cells and stole their DNA' case. The officers who goofed were isntructed to go back and apologize - so they took a bunch of flowers and a bottle of beer.

Yes. They really are that stupid.

Fumble!

Dear old Hampshire Police, my local amusement factory. Today they managed to arrest the men running a cannabis factory in Basingstoke - but only after one of them jumped out of a window straight into the arms of two coppers, who promptly let him go! Fortunately a passing driver managed to show more preparation, and blocked the escape route, enabling them to (eventually) catch their target. What were they doing - trying to catch him speeding?