Magic?

Two high-ranking Hampshire Police officers have been questioned about breaches of the Official Secrets Act. The Metropolitan Police, investigating the leak, refused to give any details, and have denied it is terrorist-related, even though it's being investigated by the counter-terrorist branch.

Strange, isn't it - when it's a celebrity arrest, somehow the press all magically find out and turn up to film it, but when it's a plod being investigated, the 'magic' doesn't seem to work....

Hampshire criminals

The Association of Chief Police Officers says it sees nothing wrong in 44 Hampshire Police officers being allowed to stay on despite being convicted of discharging a firearm, affray, possession of an offensive weapon, benefit fraud, possession of a cannabis plant, being drunk and disorderly, common assault, criminal damage, actual bodily harm and theft. The revelations only came to light because the farce sacked a civilian worker for a minor offence, and she blabbed about their rank hypocrisy. Ah, say ACPO, but 'the majority of officers across the country are honest'. So are the majority of English folks - does that mean we shouldn't prosecute the minority who commit crimes? Note also that, had they committed these crimes before trying to join the police they would be debarred - but committing them as serving officers is all right?

Hopeless in Hampshire - even for their own!

When a group of teenage thugs threw a stone through the car window of one Roy Jennings, injuring his wife, the enraged man not only gave chase but also captured two of the pieces of human excrement, before handing them over to Hampshire Police. Imagine his feelings, therefore, when HP decided they couldn't be bothered to push for criminal damage, and let the scum off with a caution. A HP spokestwat has said it was 'difficult' to push for the more severe charge becausethe thugs might deny it (ah diddums!), and besides, Mr. Jennings really should have expected this - he is, after all, a sergeant in the lame excuse for a police 'service' that still dares to call itself - all together now - Hampshire Police!

Speeding, fine!

I like this story about a pensioner who caused chaos when he tookd his motorized scooter onto the A27 dual-carriageway in Hampshire. Just one thing, though - the second paragraph:

When officers first attempted to intervene, the man, who was on a shopping trip, initially evaded them.

I know Hampshire Police are pretty pathetic, but being outrun by an 8 mph vehicle? Honestly!

The latest 'crime'

Hampshire Police. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. When Portsmouth resident David Gates caught one of their vehicles illegally parked he decided to take a photo of it. No law against taking photos, you might well think. Well, it seems there is in Hampshire, and the police farce, ever eager to dig themselves into a hole, are defending their officers' quizzing of the man because, and I quote, 'The picture could be a security risk because it shows the car registration'. Yes, and we all know HP car registrations are a closely guarded secret.

Sad.

Trumpeting themselves

Hampshire Police, my local farce, has come up with an exciting new way to tackle crime. Is it:
a) actually putting more bobbies in the beat?
b) handing out Top Trumps cards of themselves?

Yes, you spotted it. I can only presume HP hope local criminals will either die or so injure themselves laughing that they'll be out of circulation for a while. Officers are rated on pedal power (?), agility, strength and problem-solving. You really couldn't make it up.

Trimming fat?

Police forces, we are told today, are 'trimming the fat' and cutting back on frontline services due to rising fuel costs. Not in Hampshire, where the other day I saw a Talivan parked on a steep downhill stretch of the A27 where speed limits are notoriously unclear. Still, obviously scamera vans rank as a much higher priority than, say, community policing. I mean, in the latter, the police might actually run into real criminals. Euw!

Safer???

Bad news for the Hampshire Scamera Partnership, who face a drop in their greedy haul after it was revealed that their scamera at the bottom of the M275 (motorway spur into Portsmouth) doesn't cover the fast lane! Huh? Apparently the scamera can only cover the three inside lanes (though its yellow box is cunningly camouflaged against the yellow of the petrol station behind it, and placed just before the 40 limit becomes 50), and they are precluded from putting a second scamera on the central reservation because of - useful for once - health and safety. So at a point where drivers are both frantically changing lanes and braking to avoid the scamera, let's push everyone into the outside lane. Perhaps someone can explain to me exactly how this will be safer?

Screen Test

Screening out. Sounds innocent enough, doesn't it? In fact it's the police's way of making life easier (for them) - by not investigating crimes in the first place. A new study shows that robberies, violent crime, fraud, theft and vandalism simply become 'non-crimes in many areas, with (unsurprisingly) Sir Ian Blair's Met the worst, screening out over half of all reported crime and nearly two-thirds of all burglaries. Other forces came not far behind the Met's dreadful 53% score; Cambridgeshire (37%), Humberside (36%), Hertfordshire (34%), Norfolk (33%), Hampshire (33%) and Devon & Cornwall (31%) all recorded a 1 in 3 chance that they will ignore a crime against you. And of course the police only revealed these figures under a Freedom of Information request - the very law the government wants to tighten to stop us finding out their shenanigans!

Forward planning, nul points

Hat-tip to Iain Dale for this classic. Hampshire Police didn't plan ahead for this ad on the back of a bus. Those vehicles have exhaust pipes...

Hopeless in Hampshire

When a Portsmouth businessman dared to confront a yob who was dropping litter, Hampshire Police knew what to do. Yes, you guessed it - the Pompey Poopers arrested the businessman and held him for eight hours. Civic duty? Not worth it in this county.

Up the BCC!

I don't like to support criminal activity (though with the police definition of this broadening by the day, it's getting ever more difficult), but I have to support the Bramley Crescent Catnapper, even though this hardened criminal lives just round the corner from me. Sholing moggies seem to treat my back garden as their personal sandbox, so anyone redressing the balance deserves my support. Besides, Hopeless Hampshire Police are after the man. Yes, the 'force' whose Sholing officer recently retired after patrolling the beat for years, much to my surprise - I'd never seen him. I only hope Sholing residents aren't alarmed by the sudden appearance of real police officers - we usually only get the fake ones, PCSOs.

Fareham farrago

Bad news for Hampshire Police and their Scamera Partnership allies in the War On Motorists. A court has ruled that speed limit signs on the A27 around Fareham do not comply with the law, and has thrown out attempts to prosecute drivers for exceeding a speed limit that did not in fact exist. But the ruling only applies to people who have fought the prosecution, so if you've been done and not fought, contact a solicitor now. Unless of course you're in HP, to whom the rules don't apply; they never did find which of them did 60% over the speed limit, did they?

Five of the worst

Hampshire Police had a rough time at a local meeting in Thornhill recently. Residents there seemed to expect the police to actually arrest young thugs whose acts of vandalism had caused the suspension of the area's nighttime bus services. However, the police rep said they would have to make do with five do-nothings, or as he terms them, PCSOs.

Hampshire Police Farce (sic)

Hampshire Police have earned the ire (ooo!) of the race-based National Black Police Association, after inviting back a potential candidate who failed the Structured Entrance Assessment for Recruiting Constables Holistically (ye Gods! what overpaid jobsworth thought that title up?).

The applicant failed a role-playing exercise in which he had to pretend to be a shopping-centre boss dealing with racist graffiti about an employee, played by an actress. He thought the priority should be to remove the graffiti as quickly as possible (i.e. the common sense approach which normal people would expect), but said the assessor expected him to spend more time on the racist aspect and its effect on staff and customers. As a result, he scored 57 per cent – three per cent below the pass mark. But the force told him that a "dramatic decline" in the number of candidates passing the test led them to review some cases – including his own – and that he could continue with his application.

So. We have PCSOs who let young kids drown whilst they stand by and do nothing, and PCs who are expected to ignore criminal damage in favour of 'racial awareness'. They no longer have a police force in Hampshire. Farce, more like.

But there were no flashing neon signs!

Hampshire Police have come up with what must be a strong contender for Worst Excuse of the Year Award. On being told that Jean O' Sullivan was missing, they searched her house and found - nothing. However, a second search eighteen days later did find Mrs. O' Sullivan's body - in her house! But Hampshire Police do have a reason for their failure to spot her dead body - searching the house was 'difficult'. Presumably because there were no flashing neon signs stating 'Dead Body Here!!!!'

Hogwash!

Hampshire Police are spending their money (which they keep telling us is never enough) on sending officers to skateboarding courses at Lee-on-the-Solent. Why bother - this is the 'force' which,earlier this year, failed to chase two bike thieves because the five officers on duty were 'afraid the thieves might fall off'. And the 'force' whiuch, last year, was forced to admit that nearly one in three of its officers had a criminal record. Still, at least when the Hog Plogs fall off, they can have a long time to recuperate, all at the public's expense.

Beaten up? Assaulted? Are we bovvered?

Beaten up by a thug? Then better pray you're not in Hampshire. Businessman Pete Bayliss made the mistake of calling Hampshire Police after a thug assaulted his son Chris, only to be told that he should instead phone his MP. And Hampshire Police's response now? Are they disciplining the sub-moron who answers phones in this way? Are they heck! "We regret that the verbal response to this call was not in accordance with our usual high standards (please stop laughing at the back) and as a result professional development will be provided for the call handler." Pathetic! The only professional development this 'public servant' needs is a rocket right up where the sun don't shine!

Compare and contrast (3)

Case 1:
A Hampshire Police officer is clocked doing 60% over the speed limit. After a 'thorough' investigation (stop laughing at the back!), Hampshire Police say they cannot find the culprit, who thus gets off scot-free.

Case 2:
A biker is clocked doing 50% over the speed limit, without licence-plates. Bedfordshire Police do a thorough investigation (for once) and secure a prosecution for careless driving and a one-year ban.

One rule for them....

Your caring police 'service'

Hampshire Police would like it known that there is a perfectly good reason why FIVE of its officers signally failed to pursue TWO bicycle thieves. The HP spokestwat said that 'they carried out a dynamic risk assessment of the situation'. About the only thing of our own police 'service' this days that is dynamic!